o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
