I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
