I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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