update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
