8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
