I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
