how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
