Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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