Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did I show you my penis last night?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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