yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Randomize
