I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
