I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
