just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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