eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
