I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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