nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
This baby is an asshole
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
