next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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