Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
