Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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