Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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