i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
being pregnant is like rehab
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
