my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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