Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
