Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
