I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
