dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
