so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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