matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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