I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
