i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
