you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
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