headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
