He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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