I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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