I'm jealous of your bromance
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
