You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
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