TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
