I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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