That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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