i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
