So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
