You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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