Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
