I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
