: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
