Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
