Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
