You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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