I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize