your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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