I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
