My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
