I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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