Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
