when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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